Middlefield residents were shocked to learn the 53 year Zaccheus W. was arrested on charges of Sorcery and Necromancy on the 3rd of September.  Zaccheus is a well known member of the community and a supporter of the Levi Coe Library. His neighbor, Lizzy J., couldn’t believe her eyes when Middlefield police detectives took him away in silver coated chains and a mouth gag.  “Why would they gag him?  Aren’t the handcuffs enough?” wondered Lizzy.  An unidentified source on the police department said that gagging the alleged sorcerer is standard procedure because the officers can’t run the risk of spells being cast during transport to the jail.  Extra bonds, a straight jacket for example, may also be used in certain cases. Officially, the Middlefield PD did not want to comment on the case so the exact circumstances of the charges are unknown to MI at this time. Police officers were scene removing a number of arcane artifacts and an assortment of strange items presumed to be part of spell casting rituals.

Mr. W. was accused of communing with spirits of dead Middlefield residents.  Authorities wouldn’t say which residents. Police detectives did indicate that a long investigation did take place before the arrest.  They did say, that Mr. W. had a land dispute with one of his neighbors; and it is believed he was looking for information to support his claims against his neighbor.  MI does not know if Mr. W. had used spell casting for any other purpose. Concerning the land dispute, MI was able to learn that Mr. Walters needed to run a water line from a newly installed grinder pump to the town’s sewer system, and the neighbor wouldn’t allow Mr. W. an easement to run the pipes.

Mr. W. has been taken to the Middlefield Institute for the Clinically Insane (MICI) for evaluation.  It is also believed that they have the facilities to house unique “persons of interest” that the Middlefield PD doesn’t possess in its jail.  Since being sent to MICI, Mr. Walters has not been seen.  Further, MI couldn’t not find any information about a trial date.  MI finds this to be very suspicious, that a citizen can mysteriously disappear like this.

 

MI recently covered the tragic tale of a small boy who was accosted by trolls.  In response, a local social worker calls the incident a failure of Middlefield to take care of its own.  Lauren B., who looks after Middlefield’s social needs said “The town takes for granted that its population is self-sufficient and that its citizens can take care of themselves.  It is easy to ignore our neighbor trolls and act like they are just the stuff of fairy tales.” Ms. B. went on to say that it is easy for society to forget about the troll’s need because they we naturally dehumanize them.” Ms. B. went on to say”…Non-human is non-existent!  Why should anyone care, mush less do anything to help? It’s no wonder why our troll community has turned to crime.”

When asked what should be done, Ms. B. blamed the problems on failing schools.  “Region 13’s schools have done nothing to accommodate the needs of the troll population.  This is why they didn’t know what to do when that little boy offered his debit, and lunch card.  They haven’t been educated on modern forms of commerce.”  MI wonders if it’s fair to blame our schools when troll adults fail to get their spawn to the schools?  Ms. Brown believes that employers need to step up and hire the trolls.  Otherwise, she believes the trolls will continue to turn to crime.  “It’s up to the community to take care of its troll population.”  The editorial board remains skeptical.

What do you think? MI wants to know.

Related articles

• Local trolls give kids a shake down (middlefieldinquisitor.com)

According to an unnamed government source, the cat videos that are becoming so popular are being created by aliens.  An alien race, known to government sources as the Aslan, have been creating and distributing the cat videos as a prelude to an invasion.  The Aslan allegedly believe that if humans fall in love with cats, Earth will be more willing to accept feline masters after they destroy Earth’s defense forces.  MI’s government source, said “Sadly, adult humans are disposed to believe that cats are cute and cuddly little creatures who are here to entertain us. The reality is that all cats are predators, and can be very dangerous.  Ask anyone who’s been eaten by a lion.” Sadly, given the popularity of these videos, we can assume that the unsuspecting human race will continue to watch with reckless abandon.

We can only imagine what the Aslan might do when they come to Earth.  Given Earth’s own dark history of colonization, we shouldn’t assume the Aslan will come here with rosy intentions.