MI is pleased to report that Middlefield resident Chad W., has made the decision to leave home and join the Kansas Traveling Circus.  Chad is famous throughout Middlesex County because of his fluffy facial hair and whiskers.  He’s become known as the Middlefield’s “Dog Faced Boy”.  His classmates have commented that the fur does make him look like a dog..kind of..but describe Chad as more of a pug because he doesn’t have a snout.

While we at MI are sad to see the Chad leave town, we have no doubt that he will make us proud being a member of the KTC side show act.  “I hate to leave home, but this is a real opportunity to get into show business.  It lets me use my natural assets… and its a way to make people happy.”

Chad said he is leaving home in the next week, and begins rehearsals with the rest of the circus right after.  He expects to make his public debut before the end of the month.  Sadly, the Kansas Traveling Circus doesn’t come to Connecticut so we won’t be able to see Chad in action.

On Saturday night, July 12th,  James Scott found himself stranded just south of Lyman Orchards on Route 157. His alternator failed, and his engine died. All he could do is coast to the side of the road. No matter what he did, he couldn’t start his car.  When he attempted to get help, he found that his cell phone was dead.  Not knowing what to do, James decided to wait for a cop or a motorist to stop and help him. 

Several hours had passed, but no one passed by. James eventually dozed off.  Early Sunday morning James was woken up by a bright light that appeared in front of his car. Stunned at first, James didn’t know what to do.  A moment later the light diminished, and a pair of Grey aliens appeared.  James was still in shock until one of the aliens asked if he needed help.  James could only nod and pop the hood of his car.  Fortunately, the aliens knew what to do and had the car working in short order.

James was grateful, and the aliens were glad to help.  The leader of the Greys, asked if James would mind providing them a DNA sample for study.  Initially reluctant because of probing phobias, James finally agreed when he learned the sample was come from a mouth swapping.  James asked the Greys if they offered road side assistance. At this point, the aliens wished him well and departed.

MI could not confirm that there were any unusual radar contacts or sightings for the Middlefield area during the July 12-13th time frame.

Normally wedding announcements wouldn’t be something MI covers.  Its just not our kind of story; but the marriage of Shelly J. to the deceased convicted killer Edwardo Kagen couldn’t be ignored.  You read that sentence correctly, we said deceased convicted killer. Edwardo Kagen, known to Middlefield residence as the Mattabeseck Butcher, was convicted 31 years ago of brutally murdering 4 people, and one cat. His sentence, death by lethal injection, was carried out 10 years ago after he exhausted all of his appeals.

Usually, the execution would be the end of the story; but for Shelly J., it was just the beginning.  Shelly, a staunch opponent of capital punishment, and a believer in prisoner rights got involved in Kagen’s case after he was convicted and sentenced. Shelly was a champion of Kagen for many years during the appeals process.  After her requests to the Governor Rowland for leniency went unanswered, Shelly became depressed.  It was only the help of her friend and spiritual guild, Tia Two-Wings, that brought Shelly out of her despair.  Ms. Two-Wings is a psychic medium. 

Through her powers Shelly was able to commune with the Mattabeseck Butcher after his execution.  At first, Shelly apologized for failing Kagen when he needed her the most. Realizing that Kagen was now suffering eternal damnation, she felt obligated to help him further. Over many sessions hosted through Two-Wings, Shelly began to fall in love as she felt that Kagen had become repentant and was changing for the better. Shelly told MI “Edward really is a good man who’s learned his lesson. He’s changed for the better. It’s the new Edward that I’ve fallen in love with. Naturally when he proposed marriage I was surprised, but the more I searched my feelings, the more I realized I had to say yes.’ 

The hard part, Shelly confesses, was finding a priest willing to perform the ceremony.  Given Kagen’s poor reputation, unclear laws about marriage to the dead, not to mention everyone’s belief that he is in Hell, no reputable priest was willing to perform the ceremony.  Father O’Malley, of Middlefield’s St. Colman Church, said “Marriage is a sacred union between a living man and woman.  I’ve never had to put a qualifier in that statement before.  It saddens me to do it now.  Further, the Church doesn’t approve of communion with the dead.  It is just a bad idea that often leads to demonic possession.”

Fortunately for Shelly and the Butcher, there were friendly Wiccans on hand to offer their help. During a full moon ceremony the Wiccan coven joined Shelly and the spirit of Edwardo together. Several members of the coven had expressed some reservations about this marriage, but confessed to being romantics at heart. “We think Shelly’s excitement is so romantic. We’ve never seen anything this special on the Bachelorette. How could we not support her and Edwardo?”

After many years of courtship the special day came this past May 16th during that month’s full moon . MI wishes Shelly all the best, and a happy future.

Last year MI reported a story about a couple who adopted and were raising human-reptilian hybrids. In that story, the couple told MI that they would tell the kids they are “half-Dutch.”  Apparently, the family had further discussions about the children’s cosmic origins.  “It took a while, but the kids started to come around to the idea.” said Mr. van Middlefield.  Mrs. van Middlefield told the kids “..no matter what planet you three come from, Dad and I love you unconditionally”.  After that conversation, the kids became comfortable with their heritage.

The kids were so pleased with the idea that they are the only ET’s in the neighborhood, that they decided to organize their own Reptilian-Pride parade.  The parade was held on Lake Shore Drive on July 1st.  In a strong show of support, other kids and even a few adults participated.  The van Middlefield kids led the parade on its only float.  From the float, green candies were thrown to the crowd. The parade ended at Lake Besecl’s beach, where Mayor Brayshaw told the crowd “The town of Middlefield is proud to have human-alien hybrids living and going to school here.  They are important members of our community, and we expect that they will make great contributions in years to come.” Asked how the parents felt they said, “We are so proud of our children.”

New research suggests that native Dutch people maybe descendents of ancient Martian colonists. The initial theory and  study was originally inspired by a series of observations of Dutch people in their native environment (specifically Rotterdam, The Netherlands). After a chance reading of old science fiction featuring Martians, noted xenobiologist Xavier Ramon, Ph.D. of the Middlefield Astronomical Society, realized that the above average height of a Dutch citizens is at least 6 inches over  people of other nationalities. Their long, thin, lanky bodies reminded Dr. Ramon of the Martians he’s read about. “This couldn’t be a coincidence!  The only reasonable explanation is the Dutch people are descended from Martian colonists. Either directly,  or from interbreeding between the two species (Martians and homo-sapiens)”.

Dr. Ramon’s theory is that Martians came to Earth as their atmosphere dissipated from solar radiation.  This was caused when Mars’ iron core cooled and no longer produced an electromagnetic field.  This same electromagnetic field effect is produced here on Earth by our molten iron core, and protects our atmosphere.  It also protects Earth from other solar and cosmic weather.  When the Martians left Mars, they colonized Earth. Realizing they couldn’t reproduce as quickly as the homo-sapiens, they opted to live in places they believed humanity wouldn’t find to be desirable.  One of those places, known to the ancient Celts as the Western Lands, is a swampy region located below sea level.  We call this place in western Europe “The Netherlands”.  Dr. Ramon believes they used their advanced technology to build the canals that route water to the sea and allow the building of homes and other structures. Ironically, the Martians were so successful in the swamps into habitable lands, that they attract thousands of immigrant homo-sapiens each year.

Dr. Ramon believes that further research should be done. “Perhaps DNA samples, probings, and various tests could be done on collected specimens to determine the validity of these ideas.”  To MI, this sounded like a form of reversed alien abduction.  So we asked what exactly the doctor had in mind, but he declined to elaborate further. He did indicate that given the Dutch people pretend to be humans, and as long as their own medical research remains available, there is enough data to study for years without specimen collection.”What we can’t know for sure, is what part of this data comes from pure homo-sapiens and which from the Dutch Martian population.”

MI has learned that the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA), located in Vienna, does not have a policy for what is known as a  “Post Detection Protocol”. This leaves researchers, like Dr. Ramon, without ethical guidelines for handling their studies.

Middlefield residents were shocked to learn the 53 year Zaccheus W. was arrested on charges of Sorcery and Necromancy on the 3rd of September.  Zaccheus is a well known member of the community and a supporter of the Levi Coe Library. His neighbor, Lizzy J., couldn’t believe her eyes when Middlefield police detectives took him away in silver coated chains and a mouth gag.  “Why would they gag him?  Aren’t the handcuffs enough?” wondered Lizzy.  An unidentified source on the police department said that gagging the alleged sorcerer is standard procedure because the officers can’t run the risk of spells being cast during transport to the jail.  Extra bonds, a straight jacket for example, may also be used in certain cases. Officially, the Middlefield PD did not want to comment on the case so the exact circumstances of the charges are unknown to MI at this time. Police officers were scene removing a number of arcane artifacts and an assortment of strange items presumed to be part of spell casting rituals.

Mr. W. was accused of communing with spirits of dead Middlefield residents.  Authorities wouldn’t say which residents. Police detectives did indicate that a long investigation did take place before the arrest.  They did say, that Mr. W. had a land dispute with one of his neighbors; and it is believed he was looking for information to support his claims against his neighbor.  MI does not know if Mr. W. had used spell casting for any other purpose. Concerning the land dispute, MI was able to learn that Mr. Walters needed to run a water line from a newly installed grinder pump to the town’s sewer system, and the neighbor wouldn’t allow Mr. W. an easement to run the pipes.

Mr. W. has been taken to the Middlefield Institute for the Clinically Insane (MICI) for evaluation.  It is also believed that they have the facilities to house unique “persons of interest” that the Middlefield PD doesn’t possess in its jail.  Since being sent to MICI, Mr. Walters has not been seen.  Further, MI couldn’t not find any information about a trial date.  MI finds this to be very suspicious, that a citizen can mysteriously disappear like this.

 

MI recently covered the tragic tale of a small boy who was accosted by trolls.  In response, a local social worker calls the incident a failure of Middlefield to take care of its own.  Lauren B., who looks after Middlefield’s social needs said “The town takes for granted that its population is self-sufficient and that its citizens can take care of themselves.  It is easy to ignore our neighbor trolls and act like they are just the stuff of fairy tales.” Ms. B. went on to say that it is easy for society to forget about the troll’s need because they we naturally dehumanize them.” Ms. B. went on to say”…Non-human is non-existent!  Why should anyone care, mush less do anything to help? It’s no wonder why our troll community has turned to crime.”

When asked what should be done, Ms. B. blamed the problems on failing schools.  “Region 13’s schools have done nothing to accommodate the needs of the troll population.  This is why they didn’t know what to do when that little boy offered his debit, and lunch card.  They haven’t been educated on modern forms of commerce.”  MI wonders if it’s fair to blame our schools when troll adults fail to get their spawn to the schools?  Ms. Brown believes that employers need to step up and hire the trolls.  Otherwise, she believes the trolls will continue to turn to crime.  “It’s up to the community to take care of its troll population.”  The editorial board remains skeptical.

What do you think? MI wants to know.

Related articles

• Local trolls give kids a shake down (middlefieldinquisitor.com)

According to an unnamed government source, the cat videos that are becoming so popular are being created by aliens.  An alien race, known to government sources as the Aslan, have been creating and distributing the cat videos as a prelude to an invasion.  The Aslan allegedly believe that if humans fall in love with cats, Earth will be more willing to accept feline masters after they destroy Earth’s defense forces.  MI’s government source, said “Sadly, adult humans are disposed to believe that cats are cute and cuddly little creatures who are here to entertain us. The reality is that all cats are predators, and can be very dangerous.  Ask anyone who’s been eaten by a lion.” Sadly, given the popularity of these videos, we can assume that the unsuspecting human race will continue to watch with reckless abandon.

We can only imagine what the Aslan might do when they come to Earth.  Given Earth’s own dark history of colonization, we shouldn’t assume the Aslan will come here with rosy intentions.

A boy was biten by a sea vampire during a visit to the beach at Hammonassett State park yesterday. Strange markings could be found on the young man’s neck. He exhibited fatigue and a reluntance to attend school.

Avoiding school isn’t considered unusual this time of the year; but the sudden fatigue, inability to finish his french freedom fries, and discolorations around the neck wounds are unusual according to neighborhood para normal investigator Melvin Frank. Mr. Frank indicated that sea vampire attacks are common in August as the creatures like to get in end of summer feedings before the beaches empty.

Naturally his parents were ready to accept the idea that sun burn and running around all day were the cause of the symptoms. A concerned neighbor was not ready to agree and contacted the school to alert them to the potential problem. “Students often return to school in complete denial about their encounters with the undead. They often believe their situation is so unique that no adult could possibly understand. Our students need to know that we are ready to believe them. And should they be infected, the community can feel safe knowing that school personnel are prepared to quarantine contaminated students until the CDC can be on site.”